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The Blue Cod Piece.

Rasey was no ordinary Cod. He came from a long distinguished line of thoroughbreds. Not for him the life that befell most of his peers: being netted, dying, then skinned, battered and eaten. He knew that unless he took steps to get out of his current environment, his corpse may end up satisfying the beer-fuelled appetite of some drunken football fan.

His attention span was far longer than the idiots who declared fish to be stupid. He had a legendary memory and could hold a grudge for life. If only he could find a way of revealing his talents to the wider world, Rasey would become a celebrity in his own lunchtime.

Anglers were scum. That there were millions of them made his escape more difficult. He couldn’t give a damn for all the fish they caught in canals and rivers-freshwater fish were inferior-they took the public’s eye off the ball. As long as it was OK to catch fish and eat them, Rasey knew the odds on his survival were slim.

So a plan was needed. First he had to gain the confidence of other cod in his part of the North Sea. He embarked on a charm offensive. He had more faces than a clock shop. Secretly hating other members of his shoal, he smiled and let some of them feed before him. He would swim ahead to undiscovered parts of the sea, and encourage other fish to follow, when he had found food and secure breeding grounds.

Problems arose when he found areas which were full of dangerous predators. His gut instinct was to let other cod get eaten, thus raising his chances of survival. However the more cod that got eaten under the sea, the more strenuous would be the efforts of the fishermen to increase the size of their catch. Reluctantly, he would warn the other cod, which raised his status in the shoal.

To many sleeping cod, Rasey was a hero, a piscine knight in unbattered amour. But he didn’t fool everyone. Morgan the lobster had rumbled him.

Morgan knew how it was in the sea. If he ever succumbed to getting in a lobster pot he was finished. Life was hard in the sea, but for lobsters, life on dry land was short and very brutal.

The sea was home for lobsters and cod. The only other places they could survive were aquariums and laboratories. Aquariums gave sea animals the chance to convince people they were intelligent, sentient beings. Most laboratories were torture chambers run by drugs companies or the odd one run by mad chefs wanting to prepare the ‘perfect battered fish.’

Morgan knew if he ended up in an aquarium, his goal would be to perform and make humans realise fish were not brainless animated fodder for expensive meals or mass-produced fish fingers or burgers. He also knew Rasey had convinced others that was his motive. Indeed Rasey had convinced Morgan too, until one day he overheard him chatting to a member of his female cod harem, Cyan.

‘I’ve got to get out of here; I can’t stand it any more. I’m destined for greater things. Look at this lot. They are stupid, and deserve to end up on John Prescott’s plate. When I become famous, who cares if people still think other fish are fit only for flour overcoats? They will see me as different to them. A one-off. They might even declare me an animal, not a fish; I will be seen as a quirk of nature, something to be treasured. Let the rest of them end up as scampi in the basket, lobster thermidor and moules marinere.’

‘What about me?’ bubbled Cyan. She knew deep down he used her as a convenience, but she secretly harboured a wish that he might take her with him if he ever escaped. So being put down wasn’t a problem for her. She got around it by verbally abusing others in the harem. ‘It would be easier with two.’

‘How do you make that out?’ gasped Rasey, ‘You’re better off down here. You get your allowance.’

Cyan kept silent, head bowed, knowing Rasey would do his own thing regardless. But it made him think, and he said to himself:

‘Would a breeding pair be more valuable to them?’ he mused. ‘By having us both side by side, my superiority will soon become apparent. When the novelty’s worn off, they’ll ditch her and re-classify me. Yes, I’ll con her too.’

Although Morgan couldn’t read minds, he knew only one cod mattered to Rasey, and anyone who went along with him would end up the loser.

And so it was. Thoughts are things. If you think hard enough about something, it will eventually come to pass.

One day Rasey and Cyan swam over to a small boat, as those on board were performing some kind of scientific research. Rasey had struck gold. The scientists wanted a tame cod. They netted Rasey and Cyan, and took them both back to ‘Sea World’ at Hartlepool.

Rasey tried, but he failed to become the star attraction; Cyan found herself in a breeding tank with older cod. Whilst she felt betrayed, endless salty but vinegarless sex had its compensations.

Morgan found out about Rasey from other fish released back into the sea from ‘Sea World.’

What Rasey hadn’t known was that the Hartlepool aquarium had received secret funding from Genetico, the world’s largest drugs company. An MP had lobbied Genetico to build ‘Sea World’ and use it as a front for genetic experiments. Most of the fish released back into the sea had been experimented on. And if the company got found out, they had the party line ready:

‘Yes, it is true we are experimenting on fish. Stocks are already in decline as we all know, and our goal is to find ways to increase the yield of popular fish like cod, and make them unattractive to predators and disease. That way we will ensure the great British meal of ‘Fish and Chips’ lives on for generations. Just like our land-based modified crops, the fish will be programmed to stay in one area, thus ensuring other fish are not affected.’

Morgan knew this made even less sense than the mantra that genetically-modified crop ‘trials’ were safe. If insects, the wind and rain, birds, people and animals could all be banished from the world, then the argument might hold water.

Rasey failed to become re-classified as an animal. He mistakenly ended up back in the North Sea with a lobster claw grown on his back, and his penis missing. As the said organ was where he stored most of his bravado and cunning, he was a broken cod.

However, Morgan knew at last Rasey could make a contribution to the planet. If Bluepiece found him, they could prove what was going on at ‘Sea World.’

Local intelligence knew the research boat was due another appearance, but any nightmarish ‘Sea World’ creations would be destroyed. So the plan was for Rasey to swim into the lobster pot and sacrifice himself.

Waiting in the pot, Rasey finally saw the light, and connected to his heart. Words were unnecessary; he knew what he was doing would help the whole world, not just himself.

The local lobster fishermen, part of a breed formerly despised by Rasey, hauled him up, and after the shock of seeing him in the pot, they immediately contacted Bluepiece, and Rasey made headlines all over the world.

‘NEUTERED COD MATED WITH LOBSTER-GENETICO SUSPECTED’

He had found fame at last.

JS, January 06.