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The Dolce Vita

Billy could get through until lunchtime without his Ritalin. If he missed his dose, all hell would break loose in the school trough.

Being surgically [it put down a marker for his stomach staple operation] obese, to move Billy needed firing up in the morning with a heady cocktail of additives, E-numbers, sugar, caffeine and horse pills.

That lot got him off his chair, down the hall and into the 4 x 4. The temporary excess of energy generated by his daily chemicals was uneasily managed by chewing gum, mobile phone, game boy and sitting down in one place.

Teachers were specially trained to manage Billy [‘the Burger’] Arris. A badly timed sugar spike from the drinks machine here, or a delay in downing Ritalin there, or not properly shoehorning him into the toilet cubicle, or making any kind of reference to ‘fat’ could result in wrecking half the school. Burger was victim of the 21^st century.

Another ‘star’ of the Bet You Can’t Go A day Without Sugar Academy was Jody ‘Double 0’ Jollocks. Double 0 was her dress size and IQ. If Posh [Victoria Beckham] moved, Jody would know about it. Her parents agreed an early years daily dose of eight hours of television, treating her like a miniature adult and living massively debt burdened were the best ways to create an embryonic celebrity. Or at least that’s what they told ‘Utter B******s’ magazine. Extreme over-protection had also bequeathed her with ignorance, and an ‘attitude.’

She had taken a shine to the ‘charity’ work done by celebrities. In time she would claim her birthright to fame. Classmates were ripe for rescue from the hell of non-designer clothes, knowledge, silence, talent and alcohol-free drinks.

The daily drama at BYCGADWS was completed by Mucker the Wucker. Wucker was a world-class swearer and loved mindless violence. Different from the Who’s deaf, dumb and blind pinball wizard Mucker was in partial possession of his faculties.

He played out his computer created fantasies. Mobile phone mugging, bag-snatching, police-baiting, graffiti and tree snapping were his specialisms. He was on a mission to join his brother and assorted role models serving time for heavier duty stuff in the local prison. His favourite term of endearment was ‘Wuck Off!’

Wucker’s parents too were in line for ASOBE’s [Anti-Social Order of the British Empire]. The authorities and the media convinced just about everyone the country was in the grip of youth crime and disorder, and statistics were used to back it up.

Burger, Jollocks and Wucker formed an unholy triangle of mayhem at the Sugar Academy. And apart from terrorising, trivialising/dumbing down, creating jealousy and factions and eating the neighbourhood, they played out a number of games between them.

Jollocks and Wucker took it in turns baiting Burger. When Burger missed his Ritalin, he had been known to throw Wucker halfway across the classroom. That in turn prompted Jollocks to come to Wucker’s aid. Jollocks would alternately take the urine out of Burger for his appearance, then the charity gene would kick in and she would give him wholly unwelcome ‘advice.’

So, each had turns of departing from their usual roles of victim [Burger], persecutor [mostly Wucker], and occasional rescuer [Jollocks].

What lay behind the unconscious mindlessness of our two heroes was the belief that other people were lesser beings in need of harm or being patronised. Burger was already the victim of big Pharma, so having Wucker and Jollocks around merely altered his dose. Double 0 and Mucker had their own egos fed by their parents and magazine journalists.

And yet one day, Double 0 and Mucker became afflicted with the worst teenage malaise of all. Far worse than anorexia, acne, myopia, bad breath and nits. Yes, worse even than having yesterday’s mobile phone. If it can be conceived of, previously the pinnacle of shame, wearing clothes from Asda, Tesco or Ethel Austin, could not hold a firework to…boredom. Allowing kids to be unstimulated was a criminal offence.

Big Pharma had dedicated billions to researching boredom-alleviating drugs. Many were on the market. However it was [even today] politically sensitive to overdose kids on ‘branded’ drugs, when sugar, aspartame, salt and other additives were doing such a good job.

Jollocks was suffering. But her heroine, Posh had recently been to a ‘retreat’ and meditated for a few minutes. And so it was. Unlike Posh, Double 0 actually had a vision during her unstimulated agony.

In it she saw the massive support structure that was feeding ‘youth crime’. The police, judiciary, courts, the legal profession, prisons, social workers, the health and emergency services, insurance and ‘security’ industries, politicians, pundits, big Pharma [drugs companies], crime and parenting book writers, booksellers, newspapers, magazines, computer game designers, vandal-proof paint makers, tag, Tazer, handcuff and uniform makers, the drinks industry, drugs dealers, growers and ‘barons’, pubs and clubs, local authorities, counsellors and therapists, anguished radio phone-in callers, teachers…

The penny dropped-if parents and kids themselves were included, it covered virtually the whole of society.

Burger appeared in her dream to explain how the scam worked. From birth, almost all infant food contained sugar, as did processed food. Kids became hooked. Advertising compelled parents to feed kids on junk which contained other dangerous chemicals, and of course, salt and fat. Kids became difficult to teach, turning off learning. Some had eating issues, others got high on violence.

She saw joint Prime Minister Camerown laughing at how the health service spent most of its budget on treatment after the dis-ease, rather than prevention and education. In comparison with junk food advertising, it was like Graham Norton fighting Mike Tyson.

Previously ultra-cool Jollocks was shocked. She awoke, and changed in an instant. Just like her heroine’s pictures in the gossip rags.

No longer wanting to prove Burger and his ilk were needy victims, she shared with him the few grains of wisdom gleaned from a lifetime of television addiction. With her help, she enabled him to eventually wean himself off all his drugs. Burger was transformed, he was now hooked on learning. Later he became a teacher and adviser himself.

Wucker? As a secret admirer of Jollocks, he cleaned up his act too. Mountainous street-cred allowed him to teach potentially wayward kids that self-acceptance, peace and silence gave them highs higher than any game, drug or alcopop.

The unwitting Posh had inspired a previously brain-dead clone and her friends to let go of being persecutors, victims and rescuers, to become teachers, enablers and learners.

The neighbourhood collectively let out a long, deep breath. Sugar Academy was re-named, Principal Fat B****** sacked, and junk food banned.

The students? They were now enrolled at High on Life Academy.

JS, March 2007.