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Never Again.

“I suffered whiplash and psychological effects. That car is an extension of my famous personality. Couldn’t drive it for a week. I’m expecting serious compensation.”

A woman had reversed from the main road into the front of Jerry’s car. He was determined to get the most from the incident.

Once the claims industry had moved into gear, the world immediately become one big £ sign.

Several years ago, there had been a serious accident on one of the main motorways. A number of people had been killed. A daily reminder ensured it wouldn’t be forgotten.

“HAVE YOU SUFFERED AS THE RESULT OF AN ACCIDENT?”

“DON’T SIT THERE IN PAIN AND AGONY,

ONE CALL AND YOU’RE ON THE BEACH.”

MORTE & SONS, SPECIALISTS IN COMPENSATION CLAIMS.

It was on a very large hoarding, about 400 yards before the site of the fatal accident.

If Jerry had been minded to forget about the scrape, Morte & Sons would not. They had an ex-pathologist contact him to guarantee the description of his ‘injuries’ would deliver a jury’s verdict.

Once Jerry had instantly become a casualty, the phone never left his hand as half the companies in Grimsby fought for his attention.

• “Would sir prefer the premium gold crutch or the platinum?”

• “You neck brace has built in air conditioning and a drinks bar-was it a pina colada you ordered?”

• We have to specify the wood to be used in your coffin, just in case it gets that far, it all adds up.” 

• “Our obituary writer was once employed by the Daily Telegraph.”

Even Jerry Builder was having doubts.

“It makes me think what would have happened if I’d snuffed it. The death industry is tied up chasing insurance claims. We’re in the wrong business. Do mortuaries charge by the hour?”

Mary Walters, the person who had reversed into Jerry was still a little shaken. It was her first accident in 30 years of driving.

“I know I shouldn’t have done it, but I was late for work. It was stupid and I wish I could turn the clock back. It could have been worse, but that Jerry Builder is a minor celebrity, and he is sure to make the most of it,” agonised Mary to her partner. “Still my insurance will cover it.”

Jerry’s CLAM [Client Liaison Manager], Joan Crax, had moved into one of his spare bedrooms.

“We have to make sure the suffering is video recorded and makes the strongest possible case for our clients. Jerry is important to us-but no more than anyone else of course-so we want to get the ‘big one’ for him when it comes to court.”

A CLIP [Client Litigation Intermediary Person], Paul Scrough was assisting Joan to make sure every word, action and document didn’t fall foul of the law. Hundreds of guilty people had been cleared by sharp solicitors exploiting the wrong placing of commas, misquoting and missing deadlines. In some cases that death and carnage had ensued mattered far less than how the judge was addressed. Scrough was mustard on fine detail.

Car parts suppliers were also on the scent. As were journalists, local radio, and agents. Mary Walters would become a celebrity herself after the case came to court and Builder won ‘the big one’, i.e. thousands in unwarranted compensation.

In anticipation, Agent Conciliation Reclaim Procedures [ACRP] had rung Mary, telling her that when she had appointed her agent, they would liaise between her agent and Builder’s agent to maximise the publicity and subsequent earnings for both parties, whilst appearing to want to resolve the matter.

And so it was. Millions of pounds changed hands between the hundreds of agencies, Quango’s, parasites and ‘official’ bodies. Builder’s CLAM and CLIP got him the ‘big one’, and Mary Walters quit her job as a nurse to work full-time as a presenter on ‘One Mistake Ruined My Life.’ And then it was all forgotten.

Builder had the prospect of spending the next ten years wearing a neck brace and using a gold plated crutch. Any sign that his injuries had been made up or exaggerated and the whole circus would be back in town. Builder wondered if the media market for ex-cons, liars and cheats was more lucrative than the one for victims and sufferers. It was a close call.

Trouble was that Builder had become a professional victim. He was prone to all kinds of illness and injury. In fact he now needed the crutch and brace. It was affecting his mental health. His weight had ballooned. He was never off the television. Except instead of a part-time, rather boring, third-rate Jack-the-Lad, he was the biggest [literally] celebrity victim in the UK. He could explain to the ‘layperson’ all about CLAM’s, CLIP’s, ACRP’s, TOSS's and KILL’s.

Mary had also realised that being thrown accidentally into the celebrity world was a curse, not a blessing. She was not far behind Builder in media exposure. She had moved on from ‘One Mistake’ and was now fronting ‘Hop, Step and Jump [HSJ].’

HSJ was a programme which brought together people who had become instant celebrities by accident [mostly] or design. What was common to all was the mesmerising lack of talent or skill in anything.

Before that fateful day, Mary had enjoyed her life as a nurse. She longed for ‘normality.’

So did Jerry B. But he was so trussed up in lifestyle, lies, litigation and liaison, he was suffocating.

Ironically, both Walters and Builder had never met since their accident. Chat shows, game shows, charity events, photo shoots all conspired to keep them apart.

Mary was looking for a way out. Builder was out of it with prescription drugs.

It was a wet, windy and very grim day in Caernarfon [North Wales]. Indeed, Caernarfon had become synonymous with grim and grey. When the sun shone, it was an attractive, impressive home of a magnificent castle. But that was rare.

Builder was being chauffeured around North Wales in his limo, going to attend an advertising promotion about how permanently grey lives could become if you failed to claim compensation when you had that inevitable accident.

Mary was feeling depressed, and she wanted an even bigger grey ‘hit’. So Caernarfon it was.

Both cars carrying Walters [she was driving] and Builder inevitably collided. The chauffer was blamed. Mary saved Jerry Builder’s life. She sat down and decided ‘That’s it. This is what I do best.’

Hop, Step and Jump was re-modelled. It was now a show for celebrities who quit by accident [mostly] or design. It ran for one more episode after Mary’s second accident. She quit. Her rant against the culture of celebrity was edited out and appeared on YouTube. She went back to being a nurse.

Builder’s bulk and Mary’s prompt actions saved his life. The car was a write-off, but his 20 stone of high quality saturated fat was far superior to a five star airbag He reflected how his life would become if he made his living by being healthy and honest. The horror of the crash was kept from him. His memory was also a bit hazy. But, despite being in severe pain, it felt good to be alive.

He decided to check out of the Claims Wing of Morte Horspital and book into his local NHS one instead.

They recognised each other straight away.

“My God, you’re Mary Walters aren’t you? I was the one who gave you your media career a few years back. A bet you planned it all. What are you doing in nurse’s uniform? Is this a new programme format?”

“No, Jerry, it’s what I do for a living. I’ve had it with celebrity. Yes, you did me a favour. The whole episode made me appreciate the real things in life, so thanks. But no, I didn’t plan it, any more than I planned to give you mouth-to-mouth resuscitation after the crash. My colleagues tell me you’re going on a health kick when you leave here.”

Jerry was speechless. The horror of the crash briefly returned to him. If he had any doubts about becoming an honest man, they had gone for ever.

At the other end of the ward, Joan Crax switched off her video camera, and she walked over to Jerry’s beside…

JS, September 07’