This piece may NOT be freely reprinted. Please contact the author [see below] for re-print rights.

All together now

Incredible! Almost all of the past, current and intending world leaders are related. Who would have believed it? What an amazing coincidence!

Harmer Geddon was reading the Daily Blink. He noticed that George Bush was a cousin of John Kerry, who was related to Dick Cheney, who was related to Barack Obama, who was related to Al Gore, who was related to the British Royal family.

“Gee, ain’t it somethin. It seems all these guys have just found out they are related. Mind you, one or two aren’t proud of it,” wheezed Geddon, as he took another bite of his Quadruple Decker™, swilled down a litre of Croak™ , and broke wind simultaneously.

Life is full of the most mind-blowing coincidences.

The Blink had previously reported on documents going missing just before politicians or leading industrialists were due to be held to account. Of ‘whistle-blowers’ mysteriously ‘coming to a sticky end’, and of key witnesses failing to give evidence at trails.

The number of times surveillance cameras had not functioned when potentially embarrassing events was so common that it appeared establishment figures led charmed lives.

Geddon, his eyes watering from the effects of own corrosive gas, carried on munching: “Yeah, it’s human error, equipment failure and people’s cowardice that’s to blame. Still if you weigh it up, I could see why some folks get uptight about it all.”

Top Blink journalist Larry Lucre was Geddon’s inspiration. His weekly column laid into anyone who even got the scent of ‘problems’ in authority and could never resist describing the apocalyptic scenario should trust in our leaders ever break down.

“Does anyone who joins up to serve or represent this country do it lightly? screamed Lucre, “And what would happen if we thought all our leaders were corrupt? We know some of them are, but they get found out-look at Nixon-because of our free press. What we got is a bunch of lazy, long-haired, bigoted people with time on their hands trying to discredit the great and the good, and probably because they got caught speeding 20 years ago.”

“Way to go Larry,” burped Geddon, as he shifted his bulk around the bed and re-arranged his wedding furniture to avoid another trip the hospital, “He sure tells it how it is.”

“Switch on the TV Britknee,” shouted Harmer, as his wife entered the room. Most of the air went out as she did, and Geddon lunged for his oxygen mask, which he found of great comfort after eating and moving.

“And what’s that you’re singin?”

Britknee was humming/mumbling the song ‘All Together Now’ by British group the Farm.

‘All together now, all together now, all together now in no man's land (together)’

“Ah love it. It sounds great, and it seems to sum up the fact that those wonderful people who look after us are all part of the same big family. Wouldn’t it be just amazing to be related to Al Gore!”

“It sure would honey. We could get a ride in his limousines when he tours the world telling us all how much we should cut down our carbon emissions. Green Al! Way to go!” steamed Harmer as his cylinder hissed loudly, and was now out of gas.

‘All together now, all together now, all together now in no man's land (together)’

“What’s that song about darlin?”

“Ah have no idea,” shrieked Britknee, “And who cares. It jest sounds good. It ain’t for us to say what it means anyway.”

Just then a grey-faced relative of Jimmy Carter appeared on Rupture News. It was enough to stop Geddon and his wife eating.

Breaking News-US Troops in Afghanistan and the Taliban stop fighting and shake hands!

“Pass me another Croak™, this is serious!” shouted Geddon as his [relatively] quick movement on the water bed had created a kind of mini-tsunami which threatened to throw him off it and demolish an internal wall. Where’s Lucre, what’s his angle on this?”

The surgically obese human balloon needn’t have worried. As soon as Carter’s cousin had finished, the shot quickly panned to Lucre, who was riding on a tank in the Colorado Desert.

“We’re not getting official confirmation of this story,” stammered Lucre, “So, you can relax and finish your Croak™. But it does raise some concerns.”

Britknee let out a sympathetic release of wind herself. The Geddons could get back to another few burgers, a bucket of fries and skip of do-nuts.

‘All together now, all together now, all together now in no man's land (together)’

She was back to her song.

“Harmer, what’s no man’s land? Is it somewhere that neither the governmint or the developers don’t own? But somebody must!”

‘All together now, all together now, all together now in no man's land (together)’

“Beats me. Din’t someone say no man is an island?” said Harmer, nearly soiling himself with his own cleverness. “But ah reckon a few more tons of Quadruple Deckers™ and a few thousand gallons of Croak™ , ah could hire myself out as one of them mini-islands that re-direct traffic!”

Britknee nearly exploded. How the windows stayed in only the house builders could have known.

Every time any nation had gone to war, God was on their side. And no nation had ever invaded or oppressed any other. And every nation had treated all its citizens, regardless of creed, colour, sexual orientation, political affiliation or gender, equally and fairly. Wasn’t it also true that no nation had ever oppressed sections of its own people? And which nation would want to install one surveillance camera for every 14 of its citizens, it’s unheard of.

Perhaps there have been occasions when some nations have treated some sections of their population more favourably than others. But when it did happen, the free press and right-minded people have come together to help them. Just like they did for the Native American Indians, the Aborigines, the Gypsies, the Kurds, Trade Unionists, Gays, the Disabled, and the Palestinians.

And as far as Geddon, Lucre and large swathes of the ‘advanced’ world were concerned, minority groups had only themselves to blame. After all, who would want to be a minority? Join the majority, quick as you can.

So, for those worried about losing their freedom forever, Lucre had an answer. Don’t worry! Trust the powers that be!

Still chuckling about the thought of Harmer sitting in the middle of the road disguised as a traffic island, Britknee had a flash of insight. What if the govermint DNA tested and micro-chipped everyone? It would create a nation of suspects overnight! As everyone was a guilty sinner anyway, who could possibly object? What it would do would be to remove any doubt. If people knew they were officially a suspect then hating everyone else would be much easier. You see, because everybody was now formally guilty, you could look at them in the shopping mall, despise them for some minor thing-wrong shoes, wrong age, having a smile on their face, whatever-and feel ‘holier than thou’! And because you were doing it to them, they were doing it to you! So, you could go home, crawl into bed, order a few tons/gallons of fast food, silently loathe yourself and stoke up the fires of hate, indifference and ignorance immeasurably.

What a wonderful world!

While Britknee had been having her brainwave, unknown to her, a few years ago when she had been vaccinated against parrot ‘flu, she had been secretly ‘chipped.’

So, the ‘powers that be’ could now read her thoughts. The simplicity of her argument was breathtaking, and Lucre was put on it right away. A skip truck was sent round to her house, she was placed on a trolley, wheeled to the skip and taken to Truth Studios, home of Daily Blink and Channel 18.

The line was of course that she represented middle America, and her views mattered. Within a few minutes, Britknee was wallowing in as many Quadruple Deckers™ and Croak™ as she could get into her mouth. Lucre had got most of the nation of suspects stuff from the ‘chip. He was wondering if he could get even more.

However, Britknee, now on live TV, excited and over-stimulated as she could be, went into overdrive:

“A spirit stronger than war was at work that night
December 1914 cold, clear and bright
Countries' borders were right out of sight
They joined together and decided not to fight”

 

She was singing the opening verse of the song she couldn’t get out her heard, but that she knew nothing about, and could care about either. Lucre was in a state of massive internal conflict. One the one hand, his patsy had come out with some vague rubbish about war, and which was slightly against the official line. But on the other, he had unearthed a talent which he had the commercial rights to, and not for nothing was his name Lucre.

He had forgotten the brief nonsense about Afghanistan and US troops. Britknee was in full flow:

‘All together now, all together now, all together now in no man's land (together)’

Truth Studies and Channel 18 earned massive adverting income from Gutsicroak Corporation. In between Britknee’s warbling, ads for their products created a relationship between the endemic national fast food addiction and Britknee’s song.

Bucket of Croak™ in one hand, two Quadruple Deckers™ in the other. Britknee could not be denied:

“The same old story again
All those tears shed in vain
Nothing learnt and nothing gained
Only hope remains

 

All together now, all together now, all together now in no man's land (together)”

Even Lucre was singing along, a thought flashed though his mind as he did. If we are all suspects, then who gives a **** what we do? We’re all going to end up on the wrong side of a barbed-wire fence. My kids are suspects, and their kids will be too. So, what’s it all about?

By now, the whole studio was rocking to All Together Now:

“The boys had their say, they said no (all together now)
Stop the slaughter, let's go home
Let's go, let's go (all together now)
Let's go (all together now), let's go home

 

All together now, all together now, all together now in no man's land (together)”

The song could be heard on the streets, inside factories and all over the air waves.

“All together now (together, together)
In no man's land (together, together)
All together now (all together now), all together now (all together)
All together now (together, together)
In no man's land (together, together”

Britknee’s chip stopped functioning. The fear that energised it had been replaced by joy. Real joy, not joy from 18,000 calories, caffeine or sugar spikes. She was not alone….

JS, February 2008.