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Metta Follicle & Little Al

“They all know me,” shouted Metta to no-one in particular, “And if they don’t, it’s only a matter of time.”

“You’re the best, and you’re always right. It’s important they know that too. It will save them a lot of wasted effort. Indeed once they know you know it all, and are superior to them in every way, they can fight amongst themselves to find their own place below you in the food chain.”

Little Al was Metta’s coach. She wasn’t always comfortable with his advice, and had the odd twinge of doubt as he attempted to propel her to her ‘rightful place’ in the world.

For most of her life, Metta lived in comparative obscurity. A comfortable, boring life. At times desperately so, but there was security in a well-paid rut. And she always drew comfort from the fact that they didn’t have her intelligence. Some of them might look happier, many of them earned more than she did, certainly some of them were better known. She even conceded that many of them might even be healthier, at least those who didn’t diet on fast food, fags and booze.

But all of that changed.

Metta realised that it was not only possible to change your life, but to transform it. To leap from obscurity to become a legend in your own lunchtime in 10 years. Straplines came and went.

• ‘Make your life a masterpiece’

• ‘Why just have some of it when you can have it all?’

• ‘Get instant confidence and charisma.’

• Transform everything in a minute!

• ‘Change yourself, your family and your community overnight.’

•  ‘Lose fourteen stones in a day!’

Little Al seemed happy with obscurity, as long as he was ‘wagging the dog.’ But as Metta Follicle [MF] found a number of catalysts for his promptings, he grew, she grew like weeds in the sunshine. She bought into her own publicity, big time.

Indeed Al was a very clever little bar steward. The more he fed MF with lines which would have seemed ridiculous a few years ago, the more she became dependent on him. Al knew Metta had a potentially strong social conscience. It had to be kept as a potential, or it would scupper him and his plans. Metta had grown very cynical, and saw the world’s ‘problems’ as the fault of individuals. “They, like me can turn it around by getting off their backsides and getting instant charisma. I can sell it to them”

Hundreds of people had been helped by Metta. Indeed she had literally saved lives.

However, watching from a distance was a keen observer of the traps that can befall those in the helping professions. Mrs Jekyll from Hyde:

“I’ve watched quite a few go down the same route as her. With men it often comes out when they start taking advantage of their women clients. Wasn’t that famous TV therapist at it long ago? Peachy Colpluff. That was him. Some get into the guru persona, with chest hair, saffron robes, medallions and worse names like Chunky Boo Boo.

On a much grander scale it ends up with plans for world domination, in the name of love, peace, and...God. They criticise ‘traditional’ religion, saying you don’t need a middle man to talk to God. Sometimes they create a process which purports to be Divine. You can have it for a few thousand pounds.

They say God is in all of us, which is what Christ said two thousand years ago. And if God is in all of us, He is clearly in them. But as the guru, theirs is clearly a bigger, stronger and more powerful God. Indeed it can be said with [instant] confidence that they are Gods themselves. Spread the word brothers and sisters, and that will be another £2000 thank you.”

Jekyll is a world renowned expert. Out of her home town of Hyde [near Manchester in Northern England] operated three of the most infamous and reviled criminals the world has ever known, the Moors Murderers [Brady & Hindley in the 1960’s] and Harold Shipman [a doctor who killed over 200 of his patients in the 1990’s].

“Yes, well I don’t live in Hyde,” said Follicle to her confidant one day, “And I never would. Apart from having the intelligence that would make me give the place a wide berth, God knows I’m special. I’m on His payroll.”

This was music to Little Al’s ears. Despite his years of coaching, MF had never really bought into conventional fame seeking. Whilst possessing real talent, Al could never convince her to go down the ‘woman’s route’ of cosmetics, singing, posing, posturing, clothes, fashion and inflatable breasts.

No, the rocket went up when Metta found God. It was all very well to be right 100% of the time over comparatively trivial stuff, but God was the missing link. She could, with total conviction be holier than thou…

What could possess greater power than being holier than thou? Spiritual searching was no longer necessary. As God’s sidekick she had magic, miracles and manifestation on her side.

She could sit in her own space, turn off the light and heating, and bask in the inner glow God personally had sent her over the internet.

Al’s promotion from ego to spiritual ego was amazing. He had been signed up by God too. He could big her up with impunity, and she would listen because wasn’t Little Al in fact Big Al? She had always known she was special. They were inferior, and a bit thick. But enough of them had sufficient funds to buy into her instant karma. And if they were a bit slow, no problem, she could always go off and savour a cup of the cheapest coffee whilst her magic did its work.

“Ah, the spiritual ego.” mused Mrs Jekyll, “A real swine that one. Beware of those telling you they have no ego! Your ego is much bigger than mine…I’ve been trained by the Great Ba’ Ha. I’m a master of the Bollicini Method™ [the only one in Western Europe]. A brown nose in Rhinotherapy. Fifth child of the eighth father of the ninth spirit of humility. Join me and inherit the earth, less £2000 introduction fee.”

“Why don’t they know me?” screamed Metta.

“You know why,” said Big Al “It’s that other woman, Gallbladder. And when it’s not her, it’s the evil genius behind her, Artshole. She doesn’t deserve what she gets, you do.”

“You’re right. No-one has done anything for me. I’m where I am through effort applied to my own bootstraps. If I had Artshole behind me, God would have to quit heaven.”

Her confidant, Turf, often agonised about the direction Metta was going. He reflected on the hundreds of people she had helped, and lives she had turned around. He longed for the days when she was motivated by service, not fame and money. To him, money came as by-product of doing work you loved. If you walked your talk, money would come, as it did to him.

He knew too that he had no chance of competing with Big Al. Al was in charge. He demanded attention and got it. Sometimes Metta treated her confidant like a door mat, even in public. He had to bite his tongue. His ego was in retreat. But he did have one, and sometimes amazingly it would side with Big Al.

Metta had told Turf he was stupid, boring and was unable to be special like her. His purpose on earth, like Gordon Brown’s was to Tony Blair, was to reveal Metta’s true magnificence.

But in him grew a seething resentment. Big Al had at least to be cut down to size, or got rid of completely.

Turf decided to go and see Mrs Jekyll.

“I suspect you have been here before Mrs Jekyll,” said Turf, “Do we need another ego-driven guru in Dyde?”

“Once or twice Mr Turf”, said Jekyll with a smile, “And no, Dyde [the neighbouring town of Hyde] needs Metta like Zimbabwe needs AK47’s.

So, you are now going to ask me how to deal with her spiritual ego, aka ‘Big Al.’”

“Is it that obvious?” sighed Turf.

“Well, I don’t ‘get rid of’ anything Mr Turf. I have an ego, as do you. Those who demonise egos are not serving us. There’s no doubt, as Big Al is perhaps the epitome of unbridled deviousness and selfishness, that egos can drag us and any ‘followers’ into the abyss. But they get us out of bed in the morning, and help us function as ‘normal’ people.

And if you set up your ego as being that bad, you create an endless round of internal conflict. No, the key is to reduce Big Al’s influence, not ‘get rid of’ him.”

Turf reflected on what he had just heard. His own ego only very occasionally raised its head. If his ego had been stronger, he would have left Metta, Big Al and all their works months ago, with his self-respect intact.

“Reduce his influence? But isn’t that a Metta-like euphemism for getting rid of him?” gasped Turf.

“Not at all. It is a question of treading the spiritual path with faith, of allowing. If you are fighting, fired up with instant motivation, instant charisma and instant granules, your ‘Big Al’ will start to object, big time. Spend more time in silence, less time looking at the world through a lens of others doing you down, getting and doing more than you. ‘Big Al’s’ are about doing this and doing that, reacting here, reacting there.

Chancers like Metta imagine they are God’s representative on earth, with Big Al as their agent and promoter. Think about the example they are setting. The way they operate is like a jealous and angry God of the Old Testament. They are about as spiritual as a suicide bomber.

Big Al cannot cope with a quiet mind. Remove jealousy, gossip, deviousness, one-upmanship, aggression, manipulation and hypocrisy. Replace them with love, purpose, integrity, reverence, gratitude, awe, service and connection to all things.

And the other paradox? The transformed Metta will get much more of what she wants [other than adulation] in terms of abundance and clients to serve.

People like Metta run programmes in abundance, am I right?” enquired Jekyll, “And isn’t the concept of abundance that of enough for everyone? So how does it square with jealousy of Gallbladder’s achievements and either ignoring or trying to undermine the success of others? Do you think in time she will become as transparent as glass to her clients? “

“I’m not sure. I get the impression she thinks ‘I’ll be a bustard getting to the top of the greasy pole, and when I’m there become [truly] God-like then.’ And ‘they’ will all slide down it in the meantime,” said a despairing Turf.

“All any of us has is this moment. It could take Metta years to get to the top of the pole. And what is to stop an even more determined Metta clone emerging somewhere else? A Metta with a Bigger Al. A kind of Metta +. And Metta will have to be even more devious and manipulating to compete with Metta +. And how thin will her spiritual veneer become then?” said Jekyll.

“It really is very simple. By being all the things all of us truly want, peace, love, gratitude, wholeness, joy, we let go of the need for instant anything. Our egos get back to serving us, enabling us to function seamlessly in this life.

‘Not having an ego’ means the absence of a world in which you are the centre of attraction. You too are a child of God, Mr Turf. Would you like a Metta who lies down and rolls over like you?

We are on this earth to become the person we want to be, for eternity. Anything else is a side show. When we all wake up to our true potential, and embrace our true selves, what you have brought to me will seem like snow melting on a sunny day.

And you can have that healing instantly…”

JS, April 08.