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Jack's Fables

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The Gene Genie

 

“I told them all to eff off, and to get out of my face.”

 

Beevis received a spontaneous round of applause for her performance and Butt ‘Ed was delighted.

 

Abusing the audience and swearing had catapulted Beevis from bit-part player to global superstar. And Butt ‘Ed [B.E.] would trumpet her irresistible rise at every opportunity. That, after all, was his destiny.

 

No longer a mere lodger, tea maker, doormat and bag carrier, B.E. had a grand vision.

 

Beevis straddled the world like a colossus. B.E. would emerge from the shadows, and as Beevis ascended, she could perch on his arm, like a celestial parrot, resplendent in turquoise, channelling divine wisdom from the Purple Goddess. It was a nightmarish sight.

 

Butt ‘Ed often had dreams like this.

 

However, the Purple Goddess had acquired a sizeable following. At her gatherings, after wowing the sheeple with a mixture of magic and proven technology, she would compose herself, sit in her favoured chair [fashioned from a horse’s saddle and nose bag] and start to twitch uncontrollably. After a short period of silence and intense focus, her face would distort horribly. Then, in a shrill disembodied voice she began:

 

“Oh Creator, what is thy will? What would you have your representative on earth do?”

 

The twitching intensified, the face distorted even more, and voice became even shriller. There was a danger the whole thing would descend into farce.

 

In fact it was a farce. You couldn’t make it up. The Purple Goddess otherwise known as San, was a heartbeat away from the funny farm.

 

But the sheeple had bought into the scam. After hearing and witnessing genuine healing in some of the group, San had them just where she wanted. So, when the pantomime act unfolded, the group consciousness was so enrapt that no-one dare question it.

 

And there was another reason. Beevis not only went along with it, but publicly endorsed the Purple Goddess at all times.

 

Privately it was a different matter. Anything which leaked out, or Beevis credibly made up which was detrimental to ‘San’ was repeatedly told to anyone who would listen.

Yes, the Purple Goddess was a wonderful, uniquely blessed woman, worthy of anyone’s attention. But only as long as she made money. Which she did. Lots of it.

 

The hypocrisy which defined the relationship between Beevis and San served B.E. perfectly. Butt ‘Ed himself had sold out years ago. Prior to appearing on Beevis’s radar he had spent most of his adult life helping others, and continued to do so. And he was held in high regard by those he had helped. Butt ‘Ed was a very decent human being.

 

Beevis had cast a spell on B.E. She had let her dog keep biting him where it hurt. He had moved in with her after she had destroyed his previous relationship. To the outside world, he was her Soul Mate. To Beevis, he was her tenant, the dog’s best toy and her personal cheer leader.

 

So it was a seamless transition from Beevis abusing him, to turning a blind eye to the mutual abuse that occurred between San and Beevis. It all made sense.

 

The dream that kept Beevis going was to so eclipse the Purple Goddess that she would become an irrelevance. Enough poison and her ascendance as a guru would ultimately topple the great ‘San.’

 

To a sane observer all this seemed beyond belief. San and Beavis went around the country preaching universal truths.

 

The very process that had enslaved generations-science-was now being used to break their chains. San and Beevis were in the vanguard of this movement. Cue Beevis:

 

“Long-term studies in America have shown that the most profound factors that influenced AIDS patients recovery were belief in a benign God and believing they were loved by God.

 

Other studies have shown that prayer is one of the most powerful determinants in healing, health and longevity.”

 

Cue San:

 

“Hospital studies have demonstrated that doctors who speak to their patients for just a few minutes about spirituality induced major positive changes in their patients.

 

Just even few minutes meditation a day can slow down, even reverse ageing and help create states of happiness and clarity of mind.”

 

And it didn’t stop there. Both San and Beevis had personally helped heal dozens of people, and taught hundreds more how to heal people themselves.

It was good enough for Butt ‘Ed.

 

But it wasn’t even remotely acceptable to Doom, the Internet Evangelist.

 

He had gone on prime time television and called The Purple Goddess the Antichrist, and Beevis ‘The most dangerous woman in the world.”

 

“There is only one God. All other Gods are false Gods. God is not benign, he is eternally vigilant, and has visited AIDS on the sodomites. God does not hear the prayers of those who deliberately commit sins of the flesh, and meditation is the work of the devil.

 

This thing being peddled as ‘spirituality’ is a myth, a chimera. Jesus said you can only come to God through me-and my web site makes that even easier-not by listening to two immoral and depraved women, running around like demented dervishes.”

 

Butt ‘Ed watched in disbelief as he saw Beevis and San being attacked without mercy on the very medium he had imagined Beevis making her own.

 

“And let me say more,” shouted Doom, not that anyone could stop him; “We are all conditioned and determined by our genes, given to us and fashioned by God. No amount of hocus-pocus can change that. I was born with the genes of a messenger of God. He talks to me every day, and he tells me to cleanse the world of those who would take his name in vain, live with ‘kept’ men, train their beasts to abuse others and unleash the forces of darkness on an unsuspecting population.”

 

As Butt ‘Ed entered the first stages of a mental breakdown, Beevis breezed into the room as if she was being awarded the Nobel Prize for services to humanity.

 

“Pull yourself together, get a back bone Butt’Ed or I’ll set the dog on you. Doom is an idiot. God told me as much. He can’t touch me. Let him go after San, she’s fair game. They are all ‘effing hypocrites.

 

I’ve got the common touch. I tell it the way it is. They are all ‘effing stupid. Didn’t I get an ovation for telling them all to ‘eff off and get out of my face?”

 

Just then the phone rang. It was a client. Beevis answered. Her tone changed beyond recognition.

 

“How are you? Well on the way to a complete recovery aren’t you? Wonderful! I know God heals, but he’s chosen me to do it, not the Purple Goddess. Did you know she’s not very well? When can you come round?”

 

A few hundred miles away San was unable to watch Doom. She had rushed into the bedroom and buried herself under three duvets.

 

Butt ‘Ed’s dream was shattered. He crawled over to the TV set, and put on one of Beevis’s DVD’s in the player, to remind himself of happier times:

 

“The greatest gift we can give to humanity, and ourselves, is to serve. Studies have shown that joy, peace and wellbeing are the consequences of altruism. As my partner and soul mates says, practice random and anonymous acts of kindness, seek no reward.

 

And I should know. Just look at how many people I help. And by paying my partner personally, you ensure there is no direct link between my miraculous, god-given powers and mammon. God bless you all. Now ‘eff off.”

 

Just as Butt ‘Ed was about to expire, the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from the heavens:

 

“Butt ‘Ed my son, fear not nor despair [I have to use that kind of language to be credible]. You should know by now that people act predictably, given their model of the world. And your beloved is no exception. You are doing a wonderful job in so many ways, as indeed is my daughter San. Doom is also my son.

 

You know also that we are all one. I know it is hard for you to practice what you preach.

 

But that is what will turn the world around.

 

You can swear all day at me and it cuts no ice. But is it the best strategy for getting people to the point where they know I love them, and I am indeed the loving God they all crave?

 

Does teaching abundance while trying to do down your ‘competitors’ make it more credible?

 

Does teaching love without compassion make any kind of sense?

 

I love you all unconditionally, and you have my ear as much as Beevis, San, Doom and everyone on the planet. There is only one God. I am in you all. How about impressing the sane observer?”

 

Butt ‘Ed woke up again. He got up, packed his bags and moved to another part of the country. The dog growled as he left.

 

Beevis came home, looked around and shouted ‘effing ‘ell!

 

JS, October 08.

 

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